Frankly, I am scared. I am scared of what people think. I am scared of the questions and challenges they may have that I don’t know the answers to. I am scared of people thinking differently of me than I would like. I am scared of misrepresenting the God that I love.
I am scared of being disappointed.
I learned something today though.
As I wrote earlier, my friend Jennifer was here for the weekend planning to go home on Monday. After my food poisoning episode though she came to me and said. “I think I should go home early because you need quiet time and don’t want me around.”
I challenged her by asking, “what do you want? I am fine with you being here while I lie on the couch. You need to make the best decision for you.” She was able to say that she wanted to go home and all was well. I helped her pack, walked her to the skytrain and she felt good about her decision.
What do I want? I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to love my creator. I want to tell people about this compelling guy named Yeshua (Jesus) who has given me hope. Who rocked his world in so many ways and he rocks my world with words like, “love your enemies”, “if you want to be great and important, spend time with children and become like them”, “don’t worry, flowers and birds don’t worry so you shouldn’t either.” “Trust me.”
I think that I am afraid of the baggage and pain and memories of abuse and questions that “religion” has raised in my heart and people’s stories that are very legitimate and difficult.
and I feel keenly my own inadequacy to put into words the growing passion in my heart about this ancient Jewish guy who calmed storms with a word and raised the dead.
I guess I want to say that I am on a journey of getting to know Yeshua.
I want to let go of all of my preconceived ideas and stereotypes and fears and simply be present in the journey. I want become more like a song bird who begins her day with a melody and doesn’t worry.