Lonely…

“It is not good for man to be alone…” Genesis 2:18

I have an amazing man who loves me, I have an amazing housemate to stay in this big house with me until I get married.

She just gave me a hug good night. But I still feel lonely.  A deep sadness, stillness. The only thing I hear is the skytrain thundering down it’s tracks.  I think the people riding the train might feel lonely too.  I remember seeing their blank stares. It’s weird riding the skytrain. So many people, so many stories and yet we follow the rule, “don’t talk to strangers”.

I have had a few conversations that cheered my ride so much.  I need to connect with people.

I apologize in advance if this post ends up rambling. I am sitting on my couch after another fun, exhilarating wonderful evening with Forest and now he’s gone and I am sad and frustrated that I feel sad. Can’t I survive one, two evenings? I have been single for over a decade.. But there’s something about tasting the sweetness of love that makes every moment without it very bitter. 

Perhaps all of the joy was a dream and being alone is my reality. 

Others are saying “I can’t believe how fast your wedding is approaching” and I am thinking it’s still so far away.

Looking for a lesson, what am I supposed to learn from this? That Forest can’t be my everything? That even when we are married we will need introvert time?  That he is leaving me now because he loves me so much? That I am a strong woman and I can grow through this?  That God is with me and therefore I am never alone? 

Yes, and much more..  But my sister taught me today that sometimes feelings are irrational and I can’t always explain them away or look for the lesson.

I can notice that I have a big heart that loves to be with people.  Maybe I am more of an extrovert than I thought.  Relationships and community are so important.

A couple of weeks ago Forest, Jonathan and Marcus were in the basement playing a complicated board game, I sat in the living room upstairs and pulled up Facebook on my iPad.  I suddenly felt so sad and lonely sitting up here listening to the guy’s laughter downstairs.

What kind of life do you want, Melody?

But I can’t play that game, it’s too hard! I’m in my pjs! They’re having guy time!

Despite my mental protests, I longed to join the guys so I went downstairs bath robe and all and just hung out with them.  Forest put his arm around me and happily played with one hand.  Marcus was losing so I cheered him on and he won!

I was able to be totally and completely myself.  I was welcomed and celebrated.

That’s what I want and that’s what I want to give to others.

“He will celebrate you with joy, he will quiet you with his love, he will sing a song just for you.” Zephaniah 3:17 (My paraphrase).  

Really? Maybe I was built to receive and pour out that kind of love and delight.

Maybe I can feel celebrated right now and hear Heaven’s melody serenading my heart.

Maybe I can sip and savour all of the moments of today like a well crafted cocktail.

I don’t feel as lonely anymore. 

Thanks for reading. ❤️

2 thoughts on “Lonely…”

  1. I remember how hard it was for me to say goodnight to Victor before we got married. I would dread the clock when it was time for him to say goodbye. I am so happy you have a person in your life that you desire to be around so much. I hope you two both cultivate your own interests too, but there is no doubt that you were created to be around others because you help people experience joy and see their inner strengths and beauty. You are truly a beautiful friend to have and I say this without even knowing the full you- I only saw the glimmer I experienced in China, but it was enough to know that your heart goes beyond the normal empathy and kindness the average person portrays. This is why I cannot ever forget you and why I take an active interest in your happiness. I sense God working so strongly in your life and to see you happily with another person, ready to partner in this journey together, fills me with such joy. You will be surprised how many people you touch in this life- so never silence your song. 🙂

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