A previous post Finding Melody expresses my desire to be a musician as a career/calling and the different ways and the barriers that stand in the way…
Today another desire is on my mind. Every time my little nephew smiles and coos at his aunty I picture myself holding my own little baby in my arms. Every time I see a pregnant woman I picture my own belly swollen with joy.
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember… maybe it’s because that’s what I saw most women doing in my little girl eyes. Maybe it’s because of the passionate love in my heart for children. Maybe it’s because I like one-on-one and small group time with kids baking and playing outside and reading bedtime stories more than I like teaching 30 kids in a room with fluorescent lights. (I am using some hyperbole here. I really do love teaching).
Maybe it’s because my heart literally aches when I open the door to a big empty house.
I am looking forward to 2018 with more anticipation than ever before because…. I am having jaw surgery at some point next year depending on how busy the surgeon is. whaat?? What does that have to do with–
I am actually really looking forward to after the jaw surgery when my husband and I will began the “trying to have a baby” phase. (yes, that means having lots of sex). Checking hormones, taking vitamins, avoiding stress…
Along with all of the excitement, anticipation, learning parenting tips, and daydreaming comes a lot of fear.
What if it doesn’t work? What if it does work but our baby isn’t healthy? What if our baby dies? What if I get really bad postpartum depression?
I have walked with people in all of these scenarios. The fear is real.
Or what if I just have to wait a really long time? And wonder for years… Patience does not come easily.
Fear of failure has a big history in my life.. it’s shadow has long been in my heart pulling me down. Don’t hope of anything too good… They were blessed in that way… doesn’t mean you will be. Don’t put yourself out there or you will get hurt. If you expect the worst you won’t be disappointed.
I felt the shadow in school.. almost every paper I expected to get a C or lower. Never expected an A even though I got several.
While dating Forest, I often felt like I was waiting for him to break up with me or abandon me somehow. And now I expect to have a really hard time getting pregnant, traumatic labour etc., etc..
So this post is my step of faith.. a way to express audacious hope that this time next year there will be a baby either in my arms or in my belly.
If that is not the case, I know that I will be all right. I will still be loved and life will still be beautiful. I know that my life will not get magically better with kids.. in some ways it will be a lot harder.
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:23 NIV
The fear that others will succeed and I will fail. The fear that I am not good enough.. damaged goods… the exception to being blessed.
Like a baby myself, I am learning new words. Words of hope and faith. Not saying “my way or the highway” but this is my desire… this is a dream that excites me and fills me with joy. The fears and obstacles can be overcome. Lord, I trust You.