Tummy thoughts

Finding myself back at the nausea clinic at Royal Columbian where bags of fluid fill my parched body and meds don’t get thrown up.

I found out that the guy who invented IVs back in the 1800s was a Scotsman. I am grateful to him and proud of my 20% Scottish heritage.

Since the beginning of pregnancy I have had something called Hyperemesis Gravida which causes severe nausea and vomiting. Not a fun journey.

After an extended time of treatment I was doing really well for three weeks and thought the tummy problems were passed but no one has a crystal ball in life or can see around the next bend. One day I was starting to cook dinner and plan outings and the next night was a vomit explosion of ten times in one evening.

The downfall was quick but the recovery is quick too. Forest was shocked this morning when I was up and dressed and wanting to eat Cheerios!

I have heard the gut/tummy is a center of emotions and I am realizing how true that is. On Friday I had an appointment with a dentist drill to carve out rotten tooth and apply filling. With a swollen numb face, I went to the beach expecting solace and joy. Instead I had random fears of being a victim of assault once again.. what on earth… numb swollen face, just like when my nose was broken….

The next day the nausea began again.

I find comfort and solace in the hospital. Some people hate hospitals or avoid them. I love being at the hospital. Always interesting people around to watch and listen to, warm blankets, effective meds, nice nurses….

When I finish at the clinic and go home I have to break through a wall of anxiety. What will I do if I throw up oral meds? What if I can’t sleep? Nights are so lonely! I just want to stay here! Please admit me over night!

Yesterday, I realized that the “hospital good, home bad” mentality had to end. Break through the wall.

“I can be strong and courageous” I told Forest yesterday as I had my often “leaving the hospital stress” vomit. “I can have warm blankets at home”.

Forest put a cozy blanket in the dryer. Narnia chronicles played on the laptop and I was drawn into a world far away from tummy. Drinking apple juice, nibbling on crackers. No problems.

As soon as I went to bed and there was nothing to look at or listen to and, having the expectation of needing to sleep, my tummy rebelled ferociously. Back on the couch, push play on the computer and tummy is fine and sleep comes slowly and graciously.

Now I could say the nausea is all in my head and not a physical condition at all but it’s not all or nothing. Hyperemesis is real. Anxiety is real and the two together can wreak havoc.

I know I am getting better because I am anticipating going home today instead of dreading it. My cook-to-order-according-to-cravings amazing chef hubby is going to make pesto pasta because I saw a picture on Facebook. My father-in-law is going to pick me up from the hospital.

I used to run away from life to find comfort and peace now I am learning how to change my life to bring comfort. Making home like a hospital in all of the good ways.

I am so grateful for this clinic. I don’t have to deal with ER. They know me and have my bed and fluids ready. The clinic started because women were terminating their pregnancies due to hyperemesis. Yes, the nausea can get that bad.

I used to simply judge women who made that choice. Now I have compassion and feel anguish that they could feel that much despair and feel that alone without support in order to end their baby’s life.

Sometimes it is hard to be excited about baby Li. Sometimes all I can see is the trials. Once in a while though I feel a warmth in my tummy and a smile creeps across my face as the revelation dawns. I have a baby! A living being with a heart beat and fingerprints kicking and squirming and doing peachy keen safe in their amniotic sack.

When my sister was sick during pregnancy I thought, she can endure no problem and be happy all the time because she is having a baby!

Now I know better. I don’t have to feel excited and be happy all of the time. It’s okay to be frustrated and scared and disappointed too.

What a colourful palette of emotions we have to choose from. Each stroke becomes a part of the masterpiece.

I am learning so much about myself and my body and the beautiful presence of God and loved ones walking with me.

Let the journey continue….

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