Last night was Forest’s last night in the guest room. He is taking Pat. leave for 8 months and will be able to join us once again without feeling the pressure of needing a good sleep. When I said good night to him I felt lonely and kind of sad about him going downstairs. It is hard to be the only parent waking up throughout the night and my OCD intrusive thoughts are quick to jump in and scare me and tell me that I am not a good mom. Before my head started spinning too much I looked down at my precious daughter and called to Forest as he was leaving, “It will be a girls only bed for one more night.” “Enjoy!” He replied.
Enjoy. I remember times as a little girl and even as a young adult snuggling with my mom in bed. When Mom was there bad dreams and troubles of the world were chased away into the darkness.
Can I be that Mom for my little girl? When I still feel like a little girl myself who needs comfort. You are very brave and strong. I told myself. Immediately resistance rose up.. I am not as brave and strong and “so and so”… What about the time that I….
And then I saw Melody. Melody who has gone through such a huge life change and has worked so hard speaking life and giving life to her daughter. I need to speak life to Melody. That is why I cling to Facebook so much… others will speak encouragement over me that I refuse to speak to myself. How can I give life to my daughter when I am strangling myself? Telling myself that I will mess up and not make it.
“I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from.. my help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth…. he who keeps you does not slumber”… (Psalm 121:1-3 ESV)..
At slumber parties you don’t usually slumber at first. You stay up and talk and giggle until your eyes eventually get heavy. I was always the first to go at slumber parties. Who knows what juicy stories and daring escapades I missed out on.
I need to slumber. Forest needs to slumber. Elaina needs to slumber. My Facebook friends need to slumber. But God doesn’t, “The Lord is your keeper…” (5). The Lord keeps me so that I can keep Elaina. And when I eventually need to slumber He is there for her too.
“This will be fun” I said to my daughter as we snuggled together. “Girls only bed”. I hope and pray that Elaina will always have a safe place to snuggle no matter what her age or circumstance.
My prayer is that I will be able to speak words of life to myself and see hard situations as opportunities for fun.