Never failed me

Churches often go through theme songs.  A song will be sung several Sundays in a row and the pastor will mention it when he speaks.  In early 2017 the song at our church was  “Do It Again” by Elevation Worship.

Walking around these walls, I thought by now they’d fall…

Yup, I had walls. The first line resonated in my soul and I felt relief being able to sing a line honestly.  I wasn’t smashing the walls with victory or standing on a mountain top.

On our first Sunday with City On A Hill, Pastor Teddy prayed for us without knowing anything about us.  

“You’ve been through a lot,” he said to me,   “But God has been so faithful.  I see his faithfulness all over you!”

I felt both amazed that PT was able to discern hardship without knowing me at all (wisdom from God) andsurprisingly, I felt some resistance to the faithfulness part.  

The same resistance came with the second line of “Do It Again”:

But You’ve Never failed me yet..

Usually I just pressed on and enjoyed the melody of the song ignoring the uncomfortable feelings of my heart.

Pastor Teddy’s prayer, however, and later completing Freedom Session (read more about my journey with Freedom session in this post)  led me to have a very blunt conversation with God:

God, I can’t say that you have never failed me.  I feel like you have failed me. Where were you when my baby brother died? Where were you when a teenage boy attacked me? Where you when I did things that hurt myself and others so deeply? And if you were there, what were you doing? Why didn’t you stop it?

This was the first time I was able to admit to God what I was feeling.  The pain and questions came out of their hiding place deep in my heart.  As I looked closet of my soul some light shone among the darkness and I began to see faithfulness through it all.  Many times, God has saved my life. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too.  I have fallen into some dark pits but I haven’t stayed there.  And life is still before me.

I know the night won’t last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You’re still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again

 

At Freedom Session grad I wanted to give a sophisticated speech, but instead, I sobbed, with tears pouring down my face, as I tried to squeeze out the words of gratefulness.

“Instead of getting mad at me for doubting His goodness, God blessed me! Instead of leaving me in the bondage of bitterness, He taught me how to forgive. Instead of punishing me for my sins of the past, he gave me a child!”

I was 5 months pregnant.  And now we have Elaina the joy giver, who is sitting on my lap while I attempt to type with one hand. As I see my child’s new life unfold every day, I am no longer afraid of my own identity as Abba’s beloved child.

I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

My heart’s cry for 2019 is “Do it again, God!” And He will. I don’t necessarily want another baby this year. Lol. What I mean is that I want to continue to be surprised by the Father’s love and redemption. God loves to show his faithfulness again and again and again. He does not grow tired or weary of walking with us.  He can take our brutal honesty and bring healing.  Now I face the new challenge of being a mom and my fears still cry out to me.  The “what if’s” echo in my heart. Some walls still stand.

I see those walls and I hold my daughter close and know that God is also holding me close.

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed

Just last Sunday a visiting preacher spoke the same words over me that Teddy said two years ago.  “You’re in a new season. It has been hard, so hard but you made it. You are home.  You are safe.  I’m so happy for you!”

Home in His faithfulness.

safe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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